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Bouncing back
Date: 25 February 2010
Although a divorce may be devastating, it is not the end of the world, writes Kasmiah Mustapha.
Nine years ago, Linda Tan went through a divorce. It was the second time she had to go through the painful experience.
The social stigma attached to a divorce and the fact that people were quick to point out that she could not hold on to a man ended up making her an emotional wreck.
“I moved out of the house and stayed on my own. I had no job and no money. I was embarrassed and ashamed of myself and felt so worthless. People who did not know the story behind my failed marriages looked down on me. They saw me as a failure.” Tan began to have suicidal thoughts. A friend, realising that Tan was thinking of killing herself, intervened. “She asked me two questions. The first was what flowers I wanted for my funeral and, second, if I had ever asked God for help. It was a wake-up call for me.
“When I talked to a priest, he told me that I would never get over feeling like a failure. He also said that my low self-esteem was due to the fact that I had given it away to my husband. I needed to get back my self-esteem.” Tan pulled herself out of depression and attended a workshop which taught women, who were single again, how to gain back their lives.
“I learnt a lot from the workshop. I realised that I was not a failure and that there was nothing to be ashamed of. After attending the workshop, I decided to sign my divorce papers.” Tan is now actively involved in non-governmental organisations which deal with children who suffer from mental health disorders. She is also a member of a support group which helps women who are undergoing similar experiences.
“We meet to share our experiences and assist those who are about to go through a divorce.
“A divorce does not mean that we are helpless. We need to regain our self-awareness and self-esteem. I did it and I am sure others can do it too.” Sunway Medical Centre consultant clinical psychologist Paul Jambunathan said women who are single again — either because of a divorce or death — need to regain their autonomy and strive to make positive changes in their lives.
Many women experience a wide range of emotions when they find themselves without their husbands — depression, low self-esteem, denial and guilt. It is worse if the woman was totally dependent on her spouse.
“Divorced women also face social stigma. The sad thing about our society is the general conclusion that the woman is always the guilty party. If the man initiated the divorce proceeding, people say that it is because the woman had done something bad. If it is the woman who filed for a divorce, people will think that the woman is too arrogant. The only time women are vindicated is if people know the real reason for the divorce.” Paul said such women also often ignore their needs. “She will feel that it is wrong to go out and enjoy herself because her husband is dead or because she does not have a partner anymore. She will feel guilty which can lead to depression, anxiety disorders, physical and emotional problems.
“Women have to tell themselves that there is nothing to be ashamed of if they are single again and not to be embarrassed of their situation because it is better to live a good quality of life rather than stay miserable, provided you have gone through every option, including marriage counselling.
“It is okay to experience such feelings but these should not last long. They need to find their starting point as soon as possible and seek help. Asking for help does not mean that you are weak but is the first step towards healing yourself.
“There are women who do seek help but they do it privately. They avoid support groups because they worry about what people might say. Even though you think you can handle it alone, it is better to get another person’s opinion. “If you are positively functional, then it is good. But still get the opinion of a responsible and wise person who could be an expert, a friend or family member. They may notice something that you don’t. Sometimes a stranger can also notice there is something wrong with you.” For women who are single again and want to know how they can help themselves, Sunway Medical is holding a workshop on “Empowering Women Who Are Single Again” on Aug 1. For details, call 03-7491 1113 / 7491 1115 / 7491 1117 during office hours.
This article was first published in www. nst.com.my on 20 February 2010.
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